Play the part before the part plays you.

I don’t really know what that means, but it sounds interesting. Maybe it’s about masking. Maybe its about mental health. Maybe I am already being played by the play. What does it mean to be focused? To be hyper focused, go all in on something and be obsessive. Is being passionate and stubborn another version of ASD or ADHD? What would it feel like being the Neuro Typical brain?

I feel a day of intense focus coming on and I have energy. It’s nearly end of the week and I have done jack shit so I better get it together. But instead of feeling stressed, I feel invigorated. How does that work? Where was this clarity earlier this week? Lots of questions. Sometimes I get vibes that I am not a normal person. That I am different. That I am extreme and extraneous. That I work like a yoyo or some sort seesaw ‘boom and bust’. I think its an under stimulation thing. When I am busy all the time, I don’t seem to have the ‘boom and bust’ vibe, it seems more linear. Being busy all the time requires a routine of tasks and pressure on a strict timeline. I wonder being at home alone how I would manage to do this with myself as whip cracker to my own back. Work is successful and low stress when I understand what is being asked of me and those tasks are slight variations of the last time the situation ran. If they are exactly the same, I get bored, if they are too far out of comfort zone, I flounder. Goldilocks tasks you might say.

How I plan my life must be a carefully choreographed routine or learning plan of sorts. Make it to full of fun, it’s quickly not productive and I end up in dopamine deficit, huge high, huge low (in that order). Make it to too steep and I avoid it like I do with job applications and computer studies, I build a phobia of it. I do pile lots on my plate when I am on fire (when I have my productive days) but that does crash later when I am feel overwhelmed and burned out.

The metric I use to measure my success seem to be very all or nothing. For example; Update whole CV. Perhaps more realistic, update the education section on the CV. Sorry the fridge was making weird noise, turns out it was the jars on top of it vibrating against it each other, my work for the day is done, just jokes. Removing the timeline and putting things in to smaller bits with more varied tasks to break up boredom isn’t a terrible pilot to run. Hey, if I find myself Hyper focused because I’m enjoying updating my resume, awesome, keep going. It’s about keeping the brain in a happy productive place.

As I said I haven’t dont much this week.

A strange exchange.

Before reading you need to know I am not a medical professional. I am not a Doctor. If you feel like you could have a TBI or concussion, you must see a doctor as soon as possible. 

Did you know your brain is made up of about 75% liquid? Did you know it weighs about 1.4kgs depending on your age and it has a consistency similar to that Aeroplane Jelly? Did you know that wearing a mouthguard and helmet will not to you from a ‘coup’ TBI style injury in high speed deceleration? In other words, did you know that your Jelly like brain can twist, deform, and slam in to the inside cavity of you skull in a sudden deceleration event?

I ask you these questions because as sports person, likely you could be to, I never really thought much about brain injuries. I wore all the crash gear so shouldn’t that make me give me ‘GOD MODE’? Some of us psychos have watched the Hannibal lector scene where he is feeding his dinner guest his own brain. It’s pretty horrifying as you would expect such a concept to be, a bit on the insane side. So, I’ll have the faber beans and Chianti while I smash myself in this blocker I am trying to pass at 15km p/h and use myself as crash test dummy body and head as turn myself in to a spaghetti noodle and fade in to the floor. I like my brain for all it’s weirdness, it’s creativity and I am grateful even if it isn’t the brightest. So why am I cannibalsing it?

Recently I played a derby game and basically concussed myself in a sudden deceleration event. If you don’t know what it’s like, let me explain what it’s like for me. Imagine your driving down a freeway at night and your lights cut out. When your lights come back on you’re on the side of the road with the engine running. You haven’t crashed, but you are shocked as to what happened because you don’t know how you got there. To you it seems like an instant. One minute your driving the next minute you’re stopped. The lights are really bright, probably twice a bright as before and you have a headache, fuzzy vision and bit of confusion. You try to speak, but for about 30seconds the sound’s don’t form. Someone rushes over you to help you and ask’s if your okay and you seem to them like you’re in shock. With some considerable effort and thinking you start to speak. They say they will give you lift home and they do. Over the next few days the fuzzy and foggy brain continues. It’s hard to focus and nothing seems to fix that little headache. You rest sleeping 10hours a night over the next few days which does nothing. You eventually get an appointment to see your doctor by which time your symtoms have cleared up.

In high impact sports mild TBI’s (concussions) are common, but they are very serious events with serious lifelong consequences. I wont quote exact stats, I’m not an expert, but rather just mention some general notes of NFL, Rugby, Boxing players. After only 5 year careers in their sport players had about a 50% higher chance of developing a neurodegenerative disorder over their lifetime. After playing their sport where repetitive high impact events were part of the game some developed symtoms of the following. Headaches that are ongoing and did not go away, requiring pain and migraine meds. Some developed a serious lack of concentration (of the appearance of ADD or ADHD like symptoms where their weren’t before). A development of anxiety, depression, insomnia, short term memory loss, mood swings, violent behaviour (dis-regulation of emotions) and chronic fatigue. Some develeoped substance abuse as coping mechanism. More serious life long consequences of TBI’s are linked to; chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), Parkinson’s disease, Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (Lou Gehrig’s disease) and is even linked to Alzheimer’s disease. Now, all of that sounds pretty terrifying and I should note that those things do not happen to everyone and certainly not in every sport. I will say again that I am not an expert. These are just some of the symtoms I have noticed in my own playing and some information I read about.

When I started playing sport about 3 years ago, and I started to have heavy impacts I didn’t think to much about it. The symptoms I mentioned above were almost non-existent. I would think, ‘geeeezz that was a pretty full on hit’, feel a little light on my feet, a little dizzy and carry on. In fact I would receive a lot of praise for my ‘terminator like’ ability to recover from what seemed like a knock out hit. Overtime the impacts continued at about the same rate. Maybe every 2nd game or so, I’d have a high impact deceleration event. Sometimes those games were about a week apart, sometimes they were the next day and rarely they were about an hour later. In the spirit of ‘solider on’ I would keep these TBI’s to myself. I would say I was fine, when I really wasn’t. I want to be clear that I made those choices. No one forced me to keep playing.

The thing is my brain doesn’t really heal like my jarred index finger would, or that cut on my face. It’s a complex organ that can be damaged and that it requires very little shaking and knocking about to scramble it. The symptoms I talked about above are now more and more apart of my non-sporting life. There is a part of me that is too scared to ask my doctor for a brain scan. I don’t really want to know if it damaged because I know there is nothing much I can do about it now. There is no cure.

I think about my choices, as a strange exchange. Did I trade my brain for shot a sporting glory? To impress my coaches? To impress my team mates and our opponents? I wonder often will my brain ever be as good as it was? Will the fog clear? Will it recover, or is this what they call brain damage? Right now I am scared. I am angry. I’m embarrassed. I’m alone. After the whistle I gear down, I say goodbye, I get in my car and drive home and I wonder with great anxiety if the next TBI is the one that ends it.

Avoid like the plague

If there is anything I can’t stand more than cleaning toilets, sweaty humid weather or dog saliva it’s the process of applying for a job. It’s not that I am unskilled or that I don’t have a wide variety of experiences in unskilled and professional positions. I’ts not that I don’t have references that would brag about the things I do. It’s that the process is laborious and filled with bullshit ‘look at me’, ‘I did this’ and ‘I am the best’ that feels like the most unnatural and ingenuous processes. I hate that it takes forever to manufacture a perfectly crafted and embellished piece of social engineering/shit. I hate that of the hundreds of job applications, job posting websites, emails and L_#$%-In profile that none of it makes the process more streamlined. Can you guess the jobs on my resume that have actually come from applying through a formal process? None. The two positions I thought were legitimate were actually in fact situations where I wasn’t the preferred applicant, rather I was the 2nd or 3rd or 10th applicant where the first choice actually knocked back the offer. This isn’t confidence building and sort of marks me as ‘desperate’ from the start, which is true. I am Jack’s desperate 2nd choice (as Narrated by Edward Norton).

Some people aren’t beggars. That’s right reader; there are people who get to choose which part of carcass to eat from, while the scavengers of society, you faithful author, fight for gristle and entrails like a Boxing Day sales rack. It’s only after you have been a scab for so long do you lose the fight and realise the madness. You think to yourself, what an embarrassing and humiliating process. To bear all you are and for it to be judged as less than. I can’t seem to trick myself it to going though the process when I know it doesn’t work and that I have precedence to prove it. Who would have thought at my age and with my CV I would ashamed putting my song of achievements added to the Olympic sized swimming pool of 1000’s of candidates. I have never much been a competitive person. I prefer my actions and the things I have done and do to speak for myself. The process of documenting these things is practice of narcissism and sociopathy. The soup of lying and manipulating how much value you will be to a company rivals the pea soup spewing from the mouth of a possessed Regan played by Linda Blair.

I sit and start to edit that cover letter.

Dear so and so, I’d like to formally forward to you my application from position ‘X’

The serotonin is suddenly evaporating from my brain. I pause and sigh. Minutes pass by as I focus out the window at busy bees munching up pollen from the flowers. Workers bees not complaining. I am Jack’s whining inner monologue. Maybe being a housewife is what I am supposed to be. Maybe cleaning up shit is my calling. Think about it, even on set of the Exorcist, someone has to clean up the pea soup spew. My mind wanders a lot. I think I should work on that application. A waste of my time and your time. The what would be the way we started a Coonara or disposed of in the (PAPER ONLY) VISY bin, your carefully crafted begging, to be shredded and resold as BBQ briquettes for a golf club lunch with executives at unnamed corporations. Flapping their jaws away about cost cutting, record quarterly profits and bragging about the whole application process turning in to 1’s and 0’s where there is no HR person. No human required. Yes, just an algorithm that searches for key words and shortlisting suitable options based on words.

A game of matching words and flirting with a computer. I am Jack’s cyber seductress. You want me …. You need me…. I am your number one girl… I am 96% positivity, value and opportunity… I paraphrased the company’s mission statement… We match! What a coincidence! Wait… Scanning…. and delete.

Lack of Focus (Come on Sienna)

I have this lack of focus and motivation at the moment. I know I am wasting my time, and that really bothers me. So rather than hating myself, instead I’ll will celebrate share some small achivements I have had in past to sort jump start my focus.

A while ago I did some online study/gamified learning about networking and very basic penetration pesting, which I enjoy but find really difficult. I probably shouldn’t take it to serious. I also should work on series of rooms/machines/tasks at once and pivot from one to another instead of getting stuck and giving up for the day.

Teir 0 Hack The Box

To give some inspiration and context this learning I enjoy listening to Cyber stories and Podcasts in particular, Dark Net Diaries , Hacked – Podcast and Malicious Life. Before you freak out, I am not aspiring to become some sor of malicious actor. Actually I’d love to eventually move away from teaching to an IT job at some point in the future. Do I have a set pathway? Not really, but I’d like to be able to do something with Industrial Control Systems and Maintainence roles.

Let’s Get Physical!

I have been going to the gym most days. It helps my brain more than anything. I wish they would turn the music down they play, it’s loud and quite repetitive, also the variety of genres is really poor. It feels like a nightclub at times, which i also hate with a passion. Reminds me of an kink event i went to a little while ago. The organisers of the kink event were very serious about consent, but volume of music, made it almost impossible to ask and communicate consent with with any of patrons there. I mean, that’s bonkers to me and something you don’t see overseas. Anyhow, back to the gym. When I look around, no one is actually listening to the music on the loudspeakers. Most people, including myself, listen to their own music on their headphones. Still it’s deafening and you can still hear it when headphones on. It’s weird and I am sure someone in the future will sue for hearing loss. Fancy going to a health venue that destroys your hearing! Oh well, my hearing is pretty stuffed anyhow.

My thigh is feeling a lot better. I think I just needed to rest it properly.

Also 17 days with out alcohol! Feeling better but a bit anxious. My body is less bloated which is pleasing.

A little nothing.

I was going apologise for being AWOL for so long (since June) but I am not really sorry.

I am not that in to social media all that much. That’s nothing new. I like real life interactions, you know, that thing called life. Sharing my life with the world is not my ‘job’ like it is for some. I am not a social media influencer or some Only Fans person or other online business masquerading as you friend. I am just a person. Actually I am quite boring and maybe that’s refreshing. The beauty of this site is that it’s pretty public and you could find it if you wanted to, but no one really will. So it’s my archive, without the ads. I have few pictures of random stuff but nothing too exciting. The smashed windscreen was from some kids throwing rocks from the side of the freeway. The Police said I was pretty lucky, a few months ago a guy died from the same thing. Other than that, trying to go to gym, working in the vegetable garden, studying Cyber Sec stuff on Try Hack Me and Hack the Box. I closed my Twitter account when Elon bought it out and I do not miss it for 2 seconds.

Anyhow, I just wrapped up a teaching job that started back in July. Funny, how life forces me to eat my words. Statements like ‘I’ll never go back teaching’ or ‘School’s are not safe places for trans folks’. Perhaps schools are like boyfriends. Maybe they’re arn’t all a—holes? Anyhow, it got me finacially out of the red until January so I can’t complain.

Been playing a lot of roller derby at the moment. Not sure if you know that about me. Broke the plate on my skates and decided on a new pair. The grand final is this Saturday, but I injured my leg so I wont be playing. A little disappointed but I dont think its worth further damage if I played.

No new art. I haven’t been taking many pictures. It’s a freeing thing to be unpopular. Been working on myself a bit too. Might be playing with a new music group in December. I should get some new strings for my bass.

I was thinking the other day; I really need to get sober. So here we are 11 days without alcohol. I’d be lying if I said it was easy. I feel tired, but at least I am losing that puffy water weight and my anxiety baseline is returning to normal. People say once you’re an addict you never really stop being an addict, that recovery is life long. That sort of frightens me and feels hopeless. I have some idols I am using as a spiritual inspiration; Rich Roll, Russell Brand and Trent Reznor. I am taking the medical angle as lever to get well so I listen podcast by Dr Andrew Huberman.

My kinky side is very quiet. My heart fell out of it. It just felt like I was being used as hook up service. I wanted to get to know what playmates liked but no one ever seemed to come back again. Something that I loved for the longest time just feels like a distant fairy-tale now. Did I really do those things? Was that really me? Occasionally I buy something for my nest or dress up for myself but that world feels like a whole previous life or dream now. Like it was hundreds of years ago.