Play the part before the part plays you.

I don’t really know what that means, but it sounds interesting. Maybe it’s about masking. Maybe its about mental health. Maybe I am already being played by the play. What does it mean to be focused? To be hyper focused, go all in on something and be obsessive. Is being passionate and stubborn another version of ASD or ADHD? What would it feel like being the Neuro Typical brain?

I feel a day of intense focus coming on and I have energy. It’s nearly end of the week and I have done jack shit so I better get it together. But instead of feeling stressed, I feel invigorated. How does that work? Where was this clarity earlier this week? Lots of questions. Sometimes I get vibes that I am not a normal person. That I am different. That I am extreme and extraneous. That I work like a yoyo or some sort seesaw ‘boom and bust’. I think its an under stimulation thing. When I am busy all the time, I don’t seem to have the ‘boom and bust’ vibe, it seems more linear. Being busy all the time requires a routine of tasks and pressure on a strict timeline. I wonder being at home alone how I would manage to do this with myself as whip cracker to my own back. Work is successful and low stress when I understand what is being asked of me and those tasks are slight variations of the last time the situation ran. If they are exactly the same, I get bored, if they are too far out of comfort zone, I flounder. Goldilocks tasks you might say.

How I plan my life must be a carefully choreographed routine or learning plan of sorts. Make it to full of fun, it’s quickly not productive and I end up in dopamine deficit, huge high, huge low (in that order). Make it to too steep and I avoid it like I do with job applications and computer studies, I build a phobia of it. I do pile lots on my plate when I am on fire (when I have my productive days) but that does crash later when I am feel overwhelmed and burned out.

The metric I use to measure my success seem to be very all or nothing. For example; Update whole CV. Perhaps more realistic, update the education section on the CV. Sorry the fridge was making weird noise, turns out it was the jars on top of it vibrating against it each other, my work for the day is done, just jokes. Removing the timeline and putting things in to smaller bits with more varied tasks to break up boredom isn’t a terrible pilot to run. Hey, if I find myself Hyper focused because I’m enjoying updating my resume, awesome, keep going. It’s about keeping the brain in a happy productive place.

As I said I haven’t dont much this week.

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