Undisciplined (2020)

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I gained control of my body and mind while I worked as a teacher. Because the job was busy, physical, on my feet, afforded me quality fruits and vege, and gym membership which I used every day I was in a routine, a rhythm and it was the best time of my life. And like all good things in my life, it was taken away just as soon as it came because my boss hated me, because everyone hates weirdos, and so when he sacked me, on my birthday in 2017 my at 4pm, when all the other teachers had snuck home. I was devastated. And as packed up my shit, and put it in the car I was numb. Something snapped in my brain. Here’s what my brain said: You work hard, you take care of yourself, you are polite and kind, you spend extra time making sure your classes are awesome, you eat well, your sober, you don’t drugs and the worst thing you are is gay.

Well, I tell you what I thought. I thought, ‘fuck this’. What is the point when all the hard work you do, can be erased because someone doesn’t like you? So what I thought was; fuck discipline, fuck sacrifice, fuck healthy eating, fuck the gym and I just cracked up and cried in the car. After I cleaned up my face I drove straight to a bottle-shop, bought some vodka, was extraordinarily rude to the shop staff, drove home, drank it all, and cried for lots more hours. No dream job, No income, No gym, No self-esteem, no point, I guess may as well kill myself now. So drew up a plan and made a shopping list of thing’s I’d need and went to the hardware store the next day. They didn’t have the things I needed and so I gave up on that idea too. I still felt shit, and I dreamed about being dead.

This is probably the number one reason why I gained weight and lost my esteem and discipline. And there are a million other excuses why now. Perhaps its because I go through spells of depression where I don’t eat well and I don’t exercise. Perhaps its because I like to drink lots of alcohol nowadays and I like high-fat foods and sweets. And then there’s other stupid reasons like I am married now, I don’t need to bother trying to find a prospective partner, nor does my partner make an effort to take care of herself. I don’t work so I don’t really see anyone face to face every day for long periods of time, so I don’t need to look any good or really have much energy to get through a day (good eating and exercise will give you energy). I am older now and there isn’t much point in trying to take care of my self because I don’t look as good as I used to, irrespective of my weight. I don’t plan of going on stage ever again. I am mostly solitary, alone, at home, people don’t come over or visit, not need to make an effort. I am bored and eat purely because I am bored, rather than eating what I had made myself for lunch, usually vege and fruit salads. What does make sense it that the discipline I once had wasn’t because of my own drive to better myself for myself? It was rooted instead in an ideology that I wanted to put the best version of myself out in the world for others. Because I don’t particularly get out, and these days, have nothing to live up to or have any job or career or group or anything that requires me to be public or amongst others, I basically feel I don’t need the discipline anymore.

The thing is that you shouldn’t use others as a goal or benchmark – or so they say. But, I was working out and being healthy and it was all for proving myself to others, the by-product of doing so, made me love myself, where I didn’t before. And when I gave up on self-discipline and trying to impress others, I stopped loving myself and I have never cared about myself since. So before someone says, do it for yourself, not others, consider that doing it to impress others, might be the one thing that gives you enough motivation to do anything in the first place. Whether or not the impetus is healthy or not, is of no consequence. Consider that any driving force that can build discipline for yourself is the best thing you can have. And it’s what I did use for years and it pushed me to be the best, (even if my boss hated me), people liked me, I felt good about myself, my confidence was huge, my heart was huge, my mental health was stable and my body was beautiful.

For a long time since losing that job I have dreamed about getting back to that place, that routine, that life, and it has never happened. My life is going by and I don’t know if it will be like it was. I try to be better but my discipline isn’t there. The driving focus, force, and value I put in other people are gone. My trust in others is gone. Why try to impress those I hate? Now, my question is, if I used to use others as a motivator and I no longer respect other people, what is going to drive me to be well again?

As I said, it’s been years. Honestly, I don’t ever think I’ll be okay ever again. Some people say they can see things, or have vision or goals about life, plans etc. I have nothing. I feel like I just exist, like mold or dirt. Sometimes I get so sad about everything I used to be. It gets so consuming and so bad I wish sometimes I could erase my memory so I wouldn’t know any better. The higher you rise, the further you fall. They never said you get back up.

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