Plan B (2020)

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Personally, I don’t mind Canada, I have found friends in the fetish scene. It’s not a sex thing as such, but it feels like a motivated family. People make an effort to get together. Lots of love. Things to learn. Very social, or it was before the virus. I am glad I quit the supermarket because someone that worked there caught the virus and died from working there.

I have been on mental-health-journey for a while. I’m coming to terms with my failings and stupid decisions I made before I left Australia. I basically railroaded my own career and burned all my bridges in education because I seldom believed my personal beliefs are greater than the departments. I know I am wrong, but I refuse to accept it because it means dismantling my own values and I can’t do that. When I get home, I want to work in my garden. I’d like to start a new career in Domination and sex work, but all in all, I don’t look forward to coming home because I don’t have high hopes. I don’t really want to be on welfare but I know that’s very likely. I don’t mind scabbing bins for food, turning the heater off, wearing the same clothes over and over. I don’t want to work in a supermarket or some other dumb shit job, but I know I am not worth much to society.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with art and music. I have always really seen it as an expensive and time-consuming hobby I was only really able to do because I had planned my whole career around having weekends and evenings free. I don’t think I am going to have time for bands anymore, because I don’t have that career or income anymore. I have always preferred to be a performer to sitting around in studio, and really the only thing I do is sit around in a studio. It’s not really what I wanted to do. I mean, if I wanted to spend hours a day entering and editing information on computer, why not become a coder and actually get paid decent money?

Sorry, I am just venting. I am good at practical assessments and making plans. I know something will work out. I have to agree with people that something will come along or eventually things will work out. I don’t really know what that looks like. Probably not what I expect. What should I expect? At what cost will things work out? I understand that nothing is static. I can take one thing from my ex-boss (he really hated me) was that, “You should learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable”. Does that mean I am supposed to feel happy with being miserable? Does that mean my goals and dreams are worthless? What does it mean? I don’t know how I am going to take care of E_____ or myself. That’s uncomfortable. I thought being overseas and having some time off would help to clear my mind, but I am actually pretty anxious my future. I don’t really have a Plan B, yet.

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